Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.

Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).

However, this emblem from the site goes too far:

First head gear? If your plan for parenting involves scaling their walkabout helmet yearly you might as well send them to school pre-wedgied.

If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.

Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?

Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers.

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.

The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.

Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes

Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.

The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore.

Teaching Your Child to Print Their Name

A child's name is the most important word he/ she will learn to print. Learning to print his/ her name is an important literacy skill for any youngster as it helps master letter formation and internalize printing principles.
What is important isn't necessarily good handwriting, it's the automatic letter formation which then frees children to focus on more letter and word acquisition without having to concentrate on the mechanics.

Our 'Signature' Stamp

Little learners love the sense of accomplishment when they learn to print their names. Our 'signature' product helps the printing process in a fun and interactive way.
With a large 'dotted' font children can stamp their own name on paper, coloring pages, artwork etc. which allows them to trace the letters of their name.

Make printing a positive, motivating, fun and creative process in an individualized and encouraging way that emphasizes the effort...

The Silly Wagon and The Little Stamp Company are proud to sponsor this fabulous giveaway to 2 of our readers/subscribers! Just leave a note on THIS blog post , and be entered to win either an All Caps Beginner Name Stamp or the Lower Case Name Stamp in your choice of ink color.

All you have to do is write us a note, telling us what Silly Wagon Back To School supply is your favorite...and make sure you go to the HOME page of the shop and sign up for the newsletter on the left side in the orange bar... I want to reiterate, as I think sometimes people get so excited they rush off and post something without finishing reading this. To be eligible to win you must do the following:

1. Read this entire post

2. Subscribe to the newsletter, unless you already are a subscriber (the winner will be announced there so if you don't sign up, how will you know you won?)

3. Leave a quick note telling us your favorite Back To School supply at The Silly Wagon.

4. Do all of this before July 31st.

Teaching Your Child to Print Their Name

A child's name is the most important word he/ she will learn to print. Learning to print his/ her name is an important literacy skill for any youngster as it helps master letter formation and internalize printing principles.
What is important isn't necessarily good handwriting, it's the automatic letter formation which then frees children to focus on more letter and word acquisition without having to concentrate on the mechanics.

Make printing a positive, motivating, fun and creative process in an individualized and encouraging way that emphasizes the effort.

Credit to Nellie Edge (www.nellieedge.com) a kindergarten resource site for this information.

Our 'Signature' Stamp

Little learners love the sense of accomplishment when they learn to print their names. Our 'signature' product helps the printing process in a fun and interactive way.
With a large 'dotted' font children can stamp their own name on paper, coloring pages, artwork etc. which allows them to trace the letters of their name.

Now I know my ABC's....

So what comes next? Using something as non-threatening and familiar as their names is a great way to get children to make that move from letters in a song to words on paper. Understanding concepts like letters and words is a big leap for some pre-schoolers and kindergarteners. By utilizing their names parents and educators can introduce a variety of literacy concepts to children in fun, imaginative and interactive ways.

Here are some ideas that I've tried with my kids...

- play "I Spy" looking for letters from their name on signs, books, products, toys while in the car or waiting at the doctor's office, while shopping, in line at the grocery store, etc.

- Sing songs with the child's name. i.e. Replacing BINGO with KATIE, longer or shorter names require a bit of creativity in your singing cadence! Any name in a nursery rhyme can be replaced with your child's (Matthew be nimble, Matthew be quick, Matthew jump over the candle stick)

- Incorporate your child's name into silly songs or fun poems

I have a friend
Whose name is _____
And we have fun together.
We laugh and play
And sing all day
In any kind of weather.

(color) is my hair.
(color) are my eyes.
I'm _____ years old
and just the right size.
My name is _____ and as you can see
I'm very happy to be me.

What truly matters is that you and your child get to spend some fun, quality time, while learning a new skill. There is no need for pressure, the finished product is less important than the enjoyment of the process, and once your child gets better you can move on to new words to trace, and recognize. The great thing about these stamps is that while you start with their name, you can also get stamps that say CAT, MAT, DOG, BALL, and so forth...and with a few properly chosen words, eventually build a short sentence that they can write themselves. Cat sat on mat. You little genius will be miles ahead of his or her classmates come time for school! And you will have had fun, learning together, along the way!