20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants
Raising a baby is a tough gig. “Experts” declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It’s no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes … into adults who want to murder their parents.
#20. Zaky Infant Pillow
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.
They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don’t want to baby’s first memory to be “The time mommy’s massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down”
#19. Baby Keeper
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.
Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!
#18. Swimming Neck Ring
This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby’s head in the event of shark attack.
#17. Pee-Pee Teepee
It’s not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it’s a festive party hat for your baby’s junk!
We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don’t want your last name being synonymous with HR’s “Penis Hat” precedent for inappropriate conduct.
#16. Baby Perfume
This product is a bit befuddling, since “new baby smell” is cherished by adults nearly as much as “new car smell”. Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.
Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.
#15. O’Pair Baby Leash
This is a great way to teach your children “I trust you exactly none.” Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That’s a mistake you’ll only make once.
#14. “Thudguard” Helmet
Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don’t develop the shame gland until 18 months).
However, this emblem from the site goes too far:
First head gear? If your plan for parenting involves scaling their walkabout helmet yearly you might as well send them to school pre-wedgied.
#13. 3rd Arm
If you’re concerned that your toddler doesn’t have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.
Sure, you could provide “horsie rides” without it, but then you wouldn’t have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.
Not many kids toys come with the advisory “Don’t leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword.”
#11. Hamburger Baby Costume
Technically speaking, wouldn’t this be a veal costume?
#10. Metallica Lullabies
Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they’ve released after “..And Justice For All”. It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan.
Kids don’t usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they’ll be way ahead of their peers.
#9. Manual Snot Sucker
Here are two key points when using this product :
* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you’re collecting in that straw.
* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you’ve gone too far.
#8. Her First Heels
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!
Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.
#7. Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.
The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.
Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.
From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he’ll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.
#4. Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume
Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes
Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn
#3. Bucktooth Pacifier
Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn’t in on the joke.
This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It’s a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!
#2 & #1. Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos
Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid’s corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you’ve now got a baby on the lam.
The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they’re hardcore.